sockgirl’s blog

I have spent so long *not* blogging routinely, that I'm struggling getting back into the groove.  But it will come...and if not, eh, I'll just be one of those annoying sporadic blogs. ;)

Our vacation was, in a word, incredible. A completely blessed time of togetherness, and I'm so grateful we were able to do this trip. Some other issues from my family arose during our time away, but finally being able to pinpoit things and call them for what they are is very freeing. While I have inherited a guilt complex from my parents - to the extent that even though we planned and could afford our vacation (specifically set money aside for it), I still felt guilty for spending that money. Just that realization made me feel like some of those chains from my past that have bound me are loosening up and falling away. Until the end of our trip, I have never ate a meal out that I didn't feel guilty for spending that money when I could have cooked at home for less. Seriously.

The change in me, in my heart, over the last couple months is phenomenal. Things that I've been holding onto for so long are finally being let go. I don't have to be captive to the generational sin my family seems to be trapped in. Those issues are all melting away. My anger is less, my depression is less...I'm starting to (gasp!) like myself. It's good.

On a health-related note - I had my "annual" physical day (although, as my doctor pointed out, it doesn't really count as annual when you're there7 or more times a year!). I don't have any test results back or anything, but there are a couple of red flags that came up, nothing too serious, I think (hope). Eli turns 3 in a month, and I'm still lactating. TMI? ;) I only breastfed/pumped with him for 6 weeks. So, they're testing my prolactin levels to see what's going on. Because of my vertical double vision that began in June, that has been corrected with a prism in my glasses, there's a possibility of having a prolactinoma - a tumor on my pituitary gland. My MRI in June was clear, so it's probably not the case, but it's better to know now.

The only other worrisome thing is that my resting heartrate is 106. Yikes. It's probably because I have spent the last two years as essentially an invalid and am disgustingly out of shape, but it could also be my thyroid. So, they're checking that again just in case, but the reality is that I need to get this butt back in shape. I just got off the elliptical, I'm doing my diet plan and the "Biggest Loser" thing at W@H, and I've got to say that I TRULY, even with my health junk, feel the best I have in years. And knowing that with diet and exercise I can feel better than this? It's awesome.

I'm in a happy place right now, and it's so nice to be here. My "Job" years may actually be over for now! And if not...well, I know He is faithful, I can do all things through Him who strengthens me, and that I'm covered in His blood. And that is really all I need to know.

I wrote the below post the other night, and then waffled on posting it. One of those insecurity things, I guess, but I found that just writing that out was really healing. I'm struggling with forgiveness, but honestly, just acknowledging all of this is a relief. I really don't want to apply labels to my experiences (such as "emotional abuse" or anything similar), but honestly realizing and understanding that so much of my current self is the product of years of underlying guilt and fear, is huge for me. So yeah, I laughed that I was "an angry person who needed to explore my past relationships" and here I am...suddenly feeling the anger lift as I just scratch the surface of my past.

We're headed out this weekend for our first ever "just us" family vacation. Aside from our honeymoon, all other vacations up til now have been to visit family, since we never manage to live anywhere near the rest of the relatives. I'm SO looking forward to just being able to play, relax, and enjoy each other, without all of the rushing around to make sure we see everyone, and just without the expectations and stresses that go along with visiting family. We get to PLAY! The timing of this trip is perfect, as we've all been so busy and emotionally strung out lately.

Irony. My life is thick with it. I am currently leading a wonderful, challenging, soul-searching Bible study, called "Becoming a Woman of Joy." This is where the irony begins, ends, overlaps, and overflows.

For starters...back in January of '05, when all of my health garbage and frequent flier hospital mileage started stacking up, I had an abundance of joy. A ridiculously wonderful, peaceful I've got the joy joy down in my heart (where?) kind of joy, the kind that doesn't make sense except when you're right in the middle of it, because, all things considered, I should have been everything BUT joyful.  Got that?

Good. On to the next step in the ironic ladder of my life. A year and then some later, after all of the above joyousness (is that a word?) took place, I not only only was gobsmacked by that pesky beast called depression, I discovered I was dealing with an even uglier, more deeply rooted monster called anger. The trouble, however, was that this anger was welling up, as far as I could tell, out of nowhere. And so, for the last several months, I have been wrestling this monster, trying to get rid of it, or at least subdue it and muzzle it, but not knowing why the monster was there in the first place made that a bit challenging. Fruitless, actually.

And then, irony struck again!  My confusedly angry self began leading a study on becoming a woman of JOY!  A woman that I used to be! But one I have lost, and so instead, a crazy angry lady is helping non-angry people to become joyful.  Riiight. And in studying what it means to be joyful, I have found the source of my anger. Go figure. And now that I know the source? While on the one hand, there is relief in knowing, to a certain extent, the knowledge has actually made me angrier - angry at an injustice, a circumstance beyond my control. The good news is that I no longer feel like I want to explode - this anger is different, more of a hurt than anything.

I have 30 years of anger, caused by an ever blacker fiend named fear, that have been repressed and misdirected. And now that I know the source, now that I have acknowledged the reality of this - I actually have to face this, deal with it, and find forgiveness in my heart. To get to joy, I have to release this bond. And I'm not sure I even know where to begin, except for this - writing it out, seeing the words in type, admitting this reality. I refuse to pass a legacy of anger on to my children, a legacy I've been carrying the burden of for too long. It ends right here, right now.

And to reassure any of you who are freaking out now.. no, my parents did not beat me or anything like that, this is a source that exists on an emotional and spiritual level, not a physical one, aside from the knots in my neck muscles. The hardest part for me is the knowledge that this was all done with good intentions - what was meant to protect was so oppressive that it resulted in an even deeper hurt. Even as I type, I'm realizing that my current anger is less actual anger, and more just sadness at what was.

I know where I'm going, where I'm supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be...I'm just not sure yet how I'm getting there. But I'm starting on my knees.

So, I obviously haven't been doing much posting on my regular blog these days.  The things I want to talk about aren't things that I really want the whole world (namely, my family) reading, so I'm going to try writing here and see how this goes.  Thanks for joining me. :)